I spend a lot of time people watching. Lately I’ve been relationship watching. I guess its one of those, “those who can do, and those who can’t… observe” or something to that affect. But in some ways I wonder if I have the better end of the bargain. I’ve been watching, people I know, people I don’t. Those who are married, engaged, dating, flirting. I’m watching and I’m wondering if it’s worth it. The relationships, I mean. I couldn’t see myself happy in most of the circumstances. There are a few couples who make me think, ‘yes, it must be wonderful,’ my parents included, but most others make me cringe. I know that I’m not them, I’m just looking in from the outside so I really have no clue, and who am I to judge. I’ve never even had a relationship. I wonder though, if some of these people are just so scared of ending up alone that they’re just jumping into the first relationship they can find with just enough determination to make it work. Sometimes I wonder if the countless fairy tales, movies and novels have ruined me for anything less than a teeth rattling, eye rolling head over heels, can’t get you out of my mind love. I want to be knocked soundly off my feet and into love. I want more. I look at so many couples and wonder if they’re just settling. I want to be wooed. It doesn’t have to be huge, just things that tell me he’s thought of me, and he knows me. I want to think I can not live without him. I want to be so attracted to him. I know, I know, I’m really young, and I’ve got time, but it’s weird when you’ve never had anyone who was attracted to you, and you’ve never really had a crush on anyone who wasn’t a movie or rock star.
Right now it feels like I’ll be alone forever. Or maybe I’ll find myself in one of these relationships I’ve been observing with a man I can tolerate because I’m just too scared to be alone forever.
She said, She said
Advertisement
